If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
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*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.