If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
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“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]