If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
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I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later