If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
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My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Brother?
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.