Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
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My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
murderer: I’m outside your house
me: I’m at the supermarket
me: I’ll be there in 10
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*