If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
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School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
worst…sale…ever
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.