If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
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Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.