If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
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How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.