If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
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Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium