It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
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a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”