If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

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It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.


a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”


“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry


Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.


Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.


Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.


Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?


Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*


HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok


“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”