If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
What the dentist sees
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Where is your GOD now????
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.