If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
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Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
my sentiments exactly
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.