@myonlymizztake

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

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@BrentTerhune

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

@13spencer

[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*

@Fred_Delicious

Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it

@loribuckmajor

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

@Rollinintheseat

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

@samiru27

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

@squirrel74wkgn

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

@AdrianYoung10

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…