@BrentTerhune A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
@myonlymizztake If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
You Might Also Like
@BrentTerhune 
@13spencer [Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
@Fred_Delicious Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
@loribuckmajor Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
@Rollinintheseat Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
@OhNoSheTwitnt If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
@samiru27 Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
@squirrel74wkgn *cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
@AdrianYoung10 I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
@djdarrellripley Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…