@LostFelicia

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

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@Playing_Dad

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

@pplwtching

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

@chrizmillr

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

@AddledPixie

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen

@MadHatterMommy

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

@WheelTod

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

@EliTerry

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

@UncleDuke1969

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

@UnFitz

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.