@Playing_Dad Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
@LostFelicia If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
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@Playing_Dad 
@pplwtching When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
@chrizmillr Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
@AddledPixie I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
@MadHatterMommy Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
@WheelTod [First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
@English_Channel how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
@EliTerry The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
@UncleDuke1969 one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
@UnFitz It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.