If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

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Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man


When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.


Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China


I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen


Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago


[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar


The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.


one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up


It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.