If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
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I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.