If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
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Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]