If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
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When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.