If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
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The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Not today
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum