If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

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nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars


me: would not recommend


I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.


Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.


“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone


(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.


The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.


The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”


I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.


ME: hey did u get my letter?


ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what


Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome