@noog

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

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@clichedout

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

@robyn_vo

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

@Bob_Janke

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

@BoomBoomBetty

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

@Pork_Chop_Hair

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

@UncleDuke1969

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

@MelvinofYork

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

@sixfootcandy

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

@PhuckinCody

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

@mela_shea

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome