Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”

– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound

ARCHITECT: why

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper

ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service

I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

*paints car camouflage*

*stops making payments*

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.