If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
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My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.