If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
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For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Safety first
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”