If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
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Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Imma just leave this here…………
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
How to properly lift a body
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…