if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
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it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.