If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
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Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Breaking news:
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.