If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

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BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*


ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*


Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.


Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”


I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.


You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.


Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok


Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”


Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.


Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.


[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*