BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
You Might Also Like
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*