If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
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me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
they really do be looking like this
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
“no gods no masters” = leo
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.