If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
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My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Somewhere in an alternate universe
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Feels
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.