If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
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Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong