if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

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I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.


Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman


*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3


I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.


My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags


All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.


Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.


When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?