@wolfpupy

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

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@AtticusKiddo

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

@SteveDutzy

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

@LeBearGirdle

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

@topaz_kell

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

@maryfairybobrry

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

@TheAlexNevil

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

@mattgallo123

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

@LittleMissZesty

When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?