@AtticusKiddo I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
@wolfpupy if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
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@AtticusKiddo 
@SteveDutzy Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
@TravLeBlanc No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
@LeBearGirdle *texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
@TheHyyyype [god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
@topaz_kell I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
@maryfairybobrry My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
@TheAlexNevil All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
@mattgallo123 Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
@LittleMissZesty When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?