If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
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My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
You know…for fall…
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen