If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
You Might Also Like
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.