If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
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Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.