If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
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Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.