If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

You Might Also Like


That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive


i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind


There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.


One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*


POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?


“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics


Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.