@craiguito

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

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@DougBenson

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

@NapVeg

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

@Kyle1092

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

@BlindChow

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

@Jake_Vig

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

@sageboggs

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

@ScottLinnen

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.