If your problem can be solved by:

or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

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If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.


You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”


hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious


Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.


“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”


“Oh you mean questions about the job!”


I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.


SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.


HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”