@CandyEmpires

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

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@lawyerthoughts

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

@UncleDuke1969

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

@illuminatedwndr

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

@AngelaEhh

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

@Marlebean

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

@EugeneMirman

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

@BriarSlyMalice

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

@ericsshadow

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”