if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
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me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
the red hot silly peppers
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store