if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
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I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Rooting for the overdog
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.