If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
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I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.