If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
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ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.