If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
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me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.