If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
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You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.