If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
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I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
forgive me baja for i have blast
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.