If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
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[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
english majors be like furthermore
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.