If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
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BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Thursday Thought.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
*skinny dips into black hole
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
What an awful time to have common sense.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.