If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
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My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.