If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
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Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.