If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
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ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.