@MelvinofYork

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

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@Jandalize

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

@dresspants

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

@Moronyc

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

@Fred_Delicious

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”

“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

@BuckyIsotope

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.

@Jesssicle

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

@GreenishDuck

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

@NikiWithIssues

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.