If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

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I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.


I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.


The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen


[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”

“a lasagne driving a car?”


IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.


My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”


Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.


By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.