Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
You Might Also Like
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”