If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
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Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?