@NinjaSweatpants Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
@ericsshadow If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
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@NinjaSweatpants 
@peachesanscream Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
@JimmerThatisAll Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
@david8hughes [1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
@Super_Cynthia [Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
@chaesoberrie If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
@KeetPotato [2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
@dorsalstream NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
@CherylCheryl94 Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
@sophielou *Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”