If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
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Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Still cracks me up
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Ugh
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
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You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.