If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
You Might Also Like
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales