I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
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Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it
[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
COP: any drugs in the car
COP: lol nerd
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.