@amandajpanda I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
@CalmTomb If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
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@amandajpanda 
@Spaziotwat Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
@markedly Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
@clichedout COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
@YoungNobler Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
@TheBoydP So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
@Death_Buddy “Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
@AngieDavisHaha You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
@jonnysun TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
@SufficientCharm I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.