If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
You Might Also Like
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Who knew!
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”