If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
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“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!