If you’re a mad scientist, put a note in your laboratory reminding you to sometimes be a happy scientist.
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My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?
Me: Yes.
7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.