If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
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Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.