If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
You Might Also Like
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.