If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
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I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Brands during Pride
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Lmao
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism