If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.